Runner’s Dilemma #35 — Am I the Only One Falling Behind?
Runner's Log | Runner's Dilemma #35
Am I the Only One Falling Behind?
After yesterday’s club meetup, I had this conversation with a member who’s been running with us for just over a year.
Hearing that should have made me happy, but instead I thought:
‘Oh. I could get passed.’
Worrying about something so petty made me feel pretty pathetic.
Most of the people who joined the club around the same time as me are far ahead by now. One of them, a close senior member, once said half-jokingly:
It doesn’t feel like just a joke anymore.
I. About Injuries
Two years ago: an IT band injury at my first full marathon.
It was my first injury, right when my running was improving fast.
The senior runners told me to rest for at least three months, but at the time I couldn’t take it in. I’d run once it felt a bit better, get hurt again, and repeat. In the end I struggled with the injury for six months.
When I finally ran again, I kept worrying about the injured spot, and my fitness never climbed back to where it was.
One year ago: another injury at a 100km ultramarathon.
I entered full of confidence, but I hurt the same spot again.
Since it was my second time, I didn’t push it, just as the seniors had advised. After about three months, I was mostly okay.
Both times it was a knee injury (IT band tendinitis).
Slow, long runs were manageable, but whenever I sped up, my knee felt uneasy.
Because of that uneasiness I ran slowly, and as I got used to it, I stopped doing breathless interval workouts.
I also picked races that demanded endurance over speed, like ultras and mountain marathons, rather than the full marathon.
II. My Son’s Remark and My Challenge
My younger son started running after watching his mom and me. One day he asked:
“Dad’s… still over four hours.”
“What? You’ve been running for so long… what?”
“It’s because of my injuries…”
“Shouldn’t you at least finish under four hours? You do nothing but run.”
“Okay. I’ll go sub-4 at the fall race.”
That promise was three months ago.
I could make it because this March I finished a full marathon injury-free for the first time (4:24), and in April I also finished the Cheongnamdae 100km ultra.
After finishing both without injury, sub-4 in the full marathon looked possible.
I trained for more than three months and entered the race on October 11.
But after 21km it got so hard that I kept alternating between walking and running, and finally dropped out at 24km.
More than the disappointment of failing, I was left thinking, ‘What am I going to tell my son?’ It was awkward, to say the least.
III. Am I the Only One Falling Behind?
At this race, two club members took on challenges with goals, just like me.
One usually runs a half in about 2:05, and this time hit 1:50 for the first time. Success!!
The other took on 32km for the first time, with a goal of under 6:00 per km. Success!! for them too.
Both of them improved enormously over the past three months.
Meanwhile, I, the club’s resident old-timer, failed!!
Newer members keep getting stronger, and the people who started with me are already far ahead.
Of course, this year I finished a full marathon in March and a 100km ultra in April without injury. I know I haven’t been standing still.
Even so, it’s strange: the times I actually want feel stuck where they were more than two years ago, and that leaves a bitter taste.
IV. Beyond the Bitterness
In life, I’ve envied coworkers who got promoted before me,
and felt threatened when a junior colleague reached the same rank. Those were all things to celebrate, but it wasn’t easy.
Looking back, comparison has always followed me around and troubled my mind.
I know it’s not good, yet I still hold onto it. I guess I’m still a long way from being a grown-up.
I told the two members congratulations, but looking back, I don’t think my heart was in it. My disappointment in myself was bigger than my joy for their achievements.
I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, yet I still do. I know I should celebrate, yet part of me feels bitter.
I don’t expect this feeling to change overnight. Still, I want to try, little by little, to grow up.
See you at Goguryeo. Let’s go!!”
